Trinea's Journal

[Trinea]

Kinda like I did with pics... I do too many journal entries for Trinny to post them all individually, so I'm just going to do them all in one place. Here.

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10 Aug

It's only been a day and a half since Ish left. It shouldn't be this bad already, but it is. Nothing about last night was any different than the unexpected missions he's sometimes required to go on...those that keep him over in the North. Perhaps I miss him so badly only because I know for certain that this time it's longer? I'm not fully sure, but I ache, so much that I can literally feel it.

Right now I feel like an absolute contradiction. How can I miss him so much, and still wonder as I do?

Yesterday was horrid, and the night was even worse. It seemed to take forever to get Uziriaa and Miss Joss to leave me be, and I was grateful when they finally did. There's only one man whose company I want right now, and I can't have him. I think half the hurting is knowing that I can't. Usually, in spite of my normal worries, I know that he'll be home at some point. In Brill, or up here in Garadar. It doesn't matter where I am, he always seems to know it, finding me unerringly.

I worry for him. I pray and pray, and hope that he's alright, that he'll come home safe to me. At the same time, however...I loathe myself.

What kind of woman am I to doubt him? Doubt his love, never. I know it as surely as I know the Light, because when I touch him, I feel it. It radiates off him, and it's absolutely beautiful to behold, all white-gold and shimmery.

Where is my wondering coming from, then?

Light knows I'm no good at articulation; I never have been, not since I was young. Always been the quiet, unassuming sort, Father always said, even when I was very young. I tried to explain it to Uziriaa last night, and later on when Miss Joss woke- gracious, I hope I didn't wake her.

Sorting out my thoughts, that's the hard part. That I love him too, there's no doubt. I've never felt this way about anyone, ever. It pains me so much when he's gone from me, and I find such joy being in his presence. I'd do anything for him, even if it meant to forsake what we have for his happiness.

Why, then...why this subtle fear?

I really should take his words and hold them to my heart. I'm sure he means what he says- that one day soon, he'll leave the army and stay with me, that one day- I suppose sometime later? Eventually?- we'll be married under the Light's good grace and be able to express our love openly, without sin nor shame. I ought to believe him when he says that he doesn't want me to feel second to...her, or that he doesn't want me to feel that I have to measure up to her in some way.

Did I lie when I told him that knowing he loves me is enough, that everything else I could think of is incidental to that one, simple fact? I...don't really know the answer to that. I'd like to think I didn't, but if that's true, then why am I sitting here writing this? Why the shameful tears?

Apparently it isn't incidental at all, though I suppose I didn't realize it until Uziriaa nearly browbeat me into telling him. I didn't mean to- I mean, I'd never...

I have no idea what I'm thinking right now. It's all so confusing. I'm...scared. I'm afraid to tell Ish these things. I don't want him to think that- that what? I don't love him? That I doubt his words and his allusions to promises? Do I? Do I truly?

...no matter how many times he says he doesn't expect me to be Aurelia, or to live up to her, there's still something deep inside of me that wonders: am I good enough for him, have I done enough to prove my love?

If I truly am, as he continues to say, why won't he speak for me? Is it something I've done...something I've not done? I wish he would explain it to me, tell me what it will take for him to look on me as something worth holding onto forever. He certainly had no trouble marrying that bitch, even after she threw herself into the arms of another man!

Because if it's not that, it -must- be me. There's no possible explanation I can come up with. Am I not...exciting enough sexually? Do I not do enough for him physically? Do I not make him feel like a man, more than anyone else? I know I'm not beautiful, or...hell, or even pretty, really, and I know that there's a lot to be desired in my scrawny, skinny little boy's body...but I do try to do everything I can to make him happy, keep him satisfied in every way I know how.

I don't know what else there is to do by now.

I...don't understand. I just don't.

[Trinea]

14 Oct

Seems I have a tendency to pick this thing up, write in it for a good while, then forget about it for goodness knows how long. It's been some months now since I've put anything down, and Light knows a lot has happened between then and now.

The last time I put pen to paper, I shared my doubts about some inconsistencies I thought I saw with the way Ish was acting toward me. A lot has changed since then. Turns out we managed to sort the difficulties I was having on the same night he came home. My fears, of course, were completely unfounded. Seems that he was more worried that he would rush into things like he had with Aurelia, didn't want to repeat the same mistakes. It's understandable, of course. We were sure to agree to be a hundred percent honest and open with eachother from then on. Things between us have been good.

Most notably, our relationship has progressed further. On the 28 Aug., Ish proposed to me. Naturally I said yes. We've been...excellent. He wants to keep the engagement secret for a variety of reasons, and the fact of that is slightly disheartening to me, but I understand the reasons for it. One being the obvious danger that such a thing would present, were it to be in the general public. We haven't heard a word from that shadowbourne warlock Casnar for a good long while now; that's a good thing. However, dealing with him was trialsome at best. And really, what could have happened had that man more than spite, anger, and venom to attack us with? Casnar was impotent, was then and I'm fully certain he is now. He knew he had no legal recourse against us, but it would be far worse if someone else with less desire to follow the rules or, Light forbid, a “martyr” complex... So yes, best off to keep it quiet just on that account. It's a danger that isn't necessary, not something between just Ishbaneer and I.

The other I believe is a bit more personal for Ish. He worries to become an object for jealousy and spite from other Forsaken, on account of having me. That one...well, it makes me hesitate a bit more. He knows as well as I do that what I see of myself isn't...all that spectacular. I've always maintained that what I lack in good looks I make up for through dedication and selfless purpose to the Light. Faith covering a multitude of ills, as it were, even if such things are purely physical. Naturally, Ish continues to insist that I'm beautiful, and I can't say he doesn't believe it because I know it to be true.

Heh, I suppose it's true. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

At any rate, a slight tangent there. Ish worries that people will get jealous of him, for having a living wife (I can only say of any looks, the living factor would do it), and he doesn't want to be in such a position. So we'll keep it quiet, yes. Many, many people know that we're together, but only the majority of the church and some close friends know of the engagement.

Ah, yes! The engagement part!

That, I believe, came about- at least this soon- for one singular, spectacular reason: one of our newer members, a paladin by the name of Malakain Darkblade (I try not to think on the coincidence of that...) claims he's found something of a fount of youth. In this case, a trinket of sorts which would render a mortal man immortal. The implication here is that...well, that such a thing- should we retrieve all the components and piece it together- should in theory return the dead to life.

The dead....or the undead.

Imagine it, for a moment! A cure. A real, true cure for undeath! Not to mention what this thing would mean to us personally, Ish and I. I think somewhere down the line, perhaps right from the beginning, we've been feeling that this trinket is the literal answer to our prayers. Something we've been talking about between ourselves almost since I can recall now- at least as long as Ish has been officially courting me.

I've always maintained and tried to prove to him that I would love him no matter what, as he is now or any other way. That, though...no, I won't say it's not good enough for him. I know the terrible heartache it causes him to have gone through what he has: awoken to death, only to find life again through Aurelia Sunhome...then to have it taken from him so suddenly. It's horrible to even contemplate. I don't know that I would have ever done so well as he did then and still does now. So, for him, if this thing actually works...

Well, there's no other way to say it but that it will be a true, real miracle from the Light. I'd like to think that it will be a just reward for all we've done to serve it. In the end, it'll serve the greater good, and in the process it will help Ish and I, too. Especially Ish. I mean, it's not that I don't want him, because I do, so much. Moreso I think of...you know. The children issue and whatnot. We haven't talked about that at any length yet, thank the Light. It- I don't...well, we'll have to see. I want to be sure he's happy, and if children will make him happy, I suppose I can-

I don't know? Give it my best shot? Hope and pray I don't- meh. I really wouldn't care to go into that part. I'm feeling optimistic today; no need to drag myself down with depressing thoughts, eh?

But yes. Lots of big things, and it's all getting to be very stressful. Not on a bad way, though- for once. This time the stress is good, for a good reason. Naturally with the engagement, my thoughts have turned toward the wedding, and it's confusing, to say the least. A few people have been asking about it, wondering when it's going to be and all that, but I didn't know what to tell them. Ish and I...we've only talked about it once now. Once and his answer was “Whatever you want, Trinny. Whatever makes you happy, that's what I want. Tell me when and I'll show up, dressed and ready to go.” ...thanks for the help, love. Seriously. As if he couldn't give just a smidgen of input on account of how he's already been- nevermind.

Well, most of my efforts have been focusing around gathering what I need to make my dress- Aunt Mala said it's absurd that I should do it myself, but I want to. I really, truly had no idea exactly what it is that goes into this sort of thing! It's...staggering, the amount of different parts that need to go into putting the whole thing together.

-Find a “venue”.

-Decide the date and time.

-Find and ask an officiant to perform the ceremony.

-Put together lists of guests.

-Figure out how much food and alcohol it's going to take to satisfy all those people.

-Put together an escape plan.

That last one is one of my highest personal priorities. We'll have to stand around and accept congratulations from all our friends and congregation, but after that? Oh, no. I want my wedding night, and as quickly as possible- even better should the trinket work and let him live again. Hopefully, we can manage enough alcohol at the receptionary that people don't restrict our exit...

Besides all that, there's very little to report.

The church is doing very well. To my understanding, there hasn't been a single issue in quite some time, at least not of anything of importance. There are a few minor things, but nothing dangerous by any means.

Relations with the Banepaws continue to be excellent, even if there was a small...hiccough there for a week or two. That got sorted out just fine, though, so it doesn't even bear repeating, here or anywhere else.

The atmosphere in Brill has improved significantly of late, as well. Far fewer elves and ebon knights around picking fights, yelling into all hours of the night, and stirring the pot. Makes me right happy, all in all. It's nearly back to the way it used to be.

All in all?

Life looks good, and getting better all the time. It's been a long time since I could say that, and I'm ever so glad. Nothing better than looking forward to a brighter future.

[Trinea]

15 Oct- Morning

Poor, well-meaning Ovni. Last night must have been such an embarrassment to her. I know had it been me, I would have been mortified. People are all too quick to point out her...singular peculiarity, but it seems that they forget about other things, such as the goodness of her heart or her desire to please and help. There's a part of me that wonders if there is some way to help her with her fear; Ish tried to bring up alcohol as a means of cleansing, but Ovni still didn't take well to the idea of it. It makes me wonder that perhaps there's a way to go directly to the root of the problem- that being, of course, her phobia itself, nestled somewhere deep inside that broken mind.

I would never try to do such a thing myself; I know I don't have the right skills for it, though a lot of other priests have studied in the area of mind manipulation. I hesitate to even recommend such a thing, but at least I know the right person for it, should he get over his own discomfort to aid her. I do mean Mal'valen, naturally. He's managed to do the same on several occasions with different people, but usually with positive effects.

As far as Mal'valen himself...well, I wouldn't care to recount the awkward conversation that took place last night. Suffice to say it was thoroughly embarrassing and something I'd prefer to not speak on longer. That small fact for which he's so anxious means little in the face of his reaction to the news of our trinket, and that's something which will take a longer time to mend than idle thoughts when one sleeps. Of course, time will tell, but I must confess to being not a little angry over his jealousy that we mean to make Isaac live and breathe again.

Especially in light of how much Mal'valen himself has going for him. Undead, yes, but still with charming good looks, plenty of friends, and a fully...well, functional body for whomever he takes as a lover. Can he produce offspring? Likely not, but it hardly matters since he hasn't chosen to take a woman for his lover, and that could be the only disadvantage I would see in the area of his sexuality. Do Ish and I have the same luxury, to be able to go into eachother's arms and do anything more than play at lovemaking, and dance around it, knowing full well that the other isn't ever truly satisfied and pretending we're fully happy with what we've got? I know he wants me, and Light knows I want to feel him completely. He also wants children, and I won't be able to at least make the attempt to give them to him without this.

No, no we don't have that same luxury, not at all, and it- actually, no. I won't continue with that train of thought, not now, not today. I really have no desire to continue embittered toward Mal'valen, or anyone else, for that matter. Let sleeping dogs lie, as they say. What happens in the future...well, that remains to be seen. I can only pray that his reaction may be more favorable than what he's shown in this recent past.

At some point, I'll have to bring this previous thought up to Ovni herself and see if she would be amenable to such a thing. One can't perform such delicate things on another who is clearly unwilling. I will pray that I don't use her natural desire to please me (for whatever reason, but it's there nonetheless) in order to manipulate her into allowing the act.

...I'm still a bit worn out from last night. The trip up to the Garadar house has been vastly improved from the new portal they've placed up in the mage quarter of the City, but it was still long enough, and I was already weary from healing Erier's friend Tamei. Unfortunately because of that, I think I fell to sleep much sooner than I'd planned. I want to spend as much time as possible with Ish before he leaves tomorrow morning for the front. He told me the other day that they're calling for him to stay over. I loathe the thought, but one does what they must for their country.

In light of that, I hope to get enough sleep today that I'll be able to spend all night with him, awake, so that we can spend more time together. Knowing that he won't be back Friday night...well, that makes the little that we do get to spend together all the more precious. I'd really like to think up something special to do for him, but I haven't come up with any ideas yet. Hopefully, something will come to me through the course of the day.

Even though we made it to Garadar with almost record time last night, I was disappointed that I was firstly unable to keep awake, and the rest of that time Ish was working furiously on this afternoon's sermon. It's been a while since his schedule has been free enough to have one, and I'm certainly looking forward to it. Ish has always maintained that he can't touch any kind of magic, but I know that the Light flows through him even if he cannot taste that feeling himself. Every time he speaks is a pleasure to me; still moreso when he sets himself down before us and tells the word of the Light.

If I had to pick only one thing to say about Ishbaneer, it would be that: he is absolutely a real, true mouthpiece for the Light's teachings.

I'll be sure to return to Brill early this morning, so that I might gather up the congregation before sermon. It's infrequent at best that we are able to come together, all of us for our own individual, likely private reasons, but I'd like to see more.

And while we're on the subject of sermons, I've recently recalled something of the assignment of tasks whose purpose are to show Nuhwoti's capability in the Light. His request from Ish was fulfilled very well when we took our summer holiday, and he did an excellent job minding everyone in our absence. However, he hasn't received one from me, and I've spent a good deal of time pondering just what that might be. I remember that Nuhwoti had spoken with Ish on an occasion about performing his own sermon, but for one reason or another, he hasn't yet managed to get one down.

I think that shall be my task for him: to perform a sermon for the congregation. Nuhwoti himself has a remarkable grasp of the Light and it's intricacies. I've absolutely no doubt that anything he chooses to speak on will be nothing less than inspired.

At any rate, those are my thoughts for this morning. It's growing onwards toward nine o'clock back home in Brill by now, so I believe I'll set this aside and make my way there. Undoubtedly, the day will hold more for me to write on by the time it's finished, so I'm sure that there will be more later.